The ART of COMPASSION

Imagine this scenario: you are keen to get a particular job and an opportunity for it comes up. You prepare meticulously for the interview, but somehow, it doesn't go well. The interviewers don't seem to warm to you, and you know in your heart that you will not be chosen: a gut feeling confirmed a week later by a polite rejection letter. What is your reaction? More specifically, how willing are you to extend compassion to yourself for having failed in this, the most important of goals to you?

And what if that same job candidate is not you, but your partner? Let's say you really need him or her to get the job because the time in unemployment has been biting your household, causing financial and relational difficulties. Yet you know your partner suffers from self-esteem issues and tends not to present well at interviews, thus losing out on many jobs that he or she could do; you are at your wit’s end with frustration. Now what is your reaction? Are you willing to extend compassion to your partner for this failure?

If you have been ruminating over the outcome of the interview and beating up either yourself or your partner, you will not be alone, but you do not have to suffer in this way. You can practice the fine art of compassion instead. Let’s focus first on self-compassion and then look at having it for others.

Self-Compassion

Granting compassion to ourselves involves being aware of our own pain and suffering, and understanding that this is a difficult but normal human experience. It is about creating a kind, caring space within ourselves, free of judgment, within which we can alleviate our pain and increase our wellbeing (Neff; 2010; Emel, n.d.). Moreover, the compassion that we learn to direct toward ourselves is the first genuine step toward embracing compassion for all others.

Why we don't practice self-compassion

It would seem that those of us in the helping fields would be blessed with an abundance of self-compassion, given that we have made compassion for others into our life’s work. Yet we create barriers by telling ourselves some of the following.

"I would be indulging myself." Self-indulgence involves getting everything you want without regard for the consequences, whereas self-compassion moves toward your health and wellbeing. You become aware of your pain, and lean into it, softly, whereas self-indulgence would have you deny pain and go numb to it.

"I won’t be motivated if I don't criticise myself." Maybe your inner critic developed in order to keep you safe from harm, but do you really need it now? Being kind to yourself engenders a healthier motivation (Emel, n.d.).

"It would be selfish of me." How does beating up on ourselves make us kinder to others? The Dalai Lama states: “If you don't love yourself, you cannot love others.... If you have no compassion for yourself, then you are not able of developing compassion for others” (Dalai Lama, in Ohlin, 2018).

"It's for whiners." We've probably all been admonished: "Man up!" "Suck it up, princess!" Developed societies tend to reward toughing it out more than pausing to nurture oneself (Emel, n.d.). Yet toughness without gentleness is like iron: strong but brittle; it cracks. Better we develop strength with the gentle kindness of compassion: like steel, it is strong but resilient.

How to practice self-Compassion

  • Practice forgiveness. How long must you punish yourself for past mistakes? People in your life already know that you aren't perfect, and they love you anyway: for whom you are, which does not include "faultless". Note if you are wholly dependent for a sense of self-worth on having a good performance or seeming to exude perfection. Create a mantra and leave it where you will see it to remind yourself to be forgiving. It could say something like, "I'm ok like I am", or "Nothing is owed for that mistake; I forgive myself and let it go", or possibly, "I am worthy of love because I have a pulse" (Ohlin, 2018).
  • Employ a growth mindset. Those who have embraced a growth mindset have consistently been shown in research to embrace, rather than avoid, challenges. Growth-mindset people learn rather than shrink from criticism. They can appreciate others' successes, in part because they can see others – through seeing themselves – with compassion (Dweck, 2008).
  • Express gratitude. We can foster gratefulness through a gratitude journal, gratitude walks, or even a stillness practice focusing on that for which we are grateful. By tuning in to what we do have rather than pining for what we don't, we move the focus away from ourselves and our shortcomings and out to the big, gratitude-worthy world (Ohlin, 2018).
  • Be generous – at the right level. Positive psychology advocates assert that giving is important, but only insofar as it does not keep you from meeting your own needs. Research by Raghunathan (2016) has identified three reciprocity styles: giver, taker, and matcher. The givers are the most generous people, employing their compassion through giving. But for generosity to work, it shouldn't be totally selfless: that is, given in a way that reduces one's own wellbeing.
  • Practice mindfulness. As above. Remember: it lessens self-judgment, positively impacting on self-compassion (Ohlin, 2018).

Men and Emotions: From Repression to Expression

In our previous article (read it here), we asked why men do not seem to express emotion as easily as women do. Was there some pathology, or should we just put the differences down to male-female tendencies? We identified Dr Ron Levant’s notion of "normative male alexithymia" as representative of one side of the controversy: namely, that, yes, men do have a restricted range of emotional expression compared to women, but it’s so pervasive in society that it’s normal (Schexnayder, 2019).

On the other side of the debate were researchers such as James Thompson (2010), who – while acknowledging men's relatively greater “stoicism” or restriction emotionally – nevertheless insisted that it's invalid to conflate alexithymia with maleness, especially given that men's holding back from emotional expression is largely culturally induced. Yet we observed that the issue should be dealt with, given the male-female suicide ratio in Australia, the U.K., and the United States of about 3:1 – and the fact that suicide is on the rise in all three countries.

We concluded that therapy might be able to help, and that is where we go with this article: to a discussion of just how we as mental health professionals might be able to help men deal with an outdated but strongly held socialisation pattern which has impacted their emotional expression, and through that, their capacity for growth, satisfying friendships, and intimate relationships.

We tackle the question in two parts. First, we share psychologist Barbara Markway's (2014) take on how to help men out of the double bind that leads to their emotional repression. Then we suggest therapies which might be able to assist.

Deciphering the code

Markway (2014) insists that dismissing men as "the feelingless gender" is not only unhelpful, but also wrong. They just, she says, express their feelings using a secret code: one which even they themselves cannot decipher. Let's do some translation.

Men convert one feeling into another

Let's say you’re a guy, and you’ve just found out that a good friend of yours has been cheated in business by her business partner: a business you yourself helped them set up. The cheating transactions will cost your friend thousands, and maybe her whole business. You may erupt volcanically, vowing to help your friend sue the partner for all they are worth, or maybe go threaten the partner within an inch of their life. If you react this way, you are showing anger and not a little pride, which are acceptable "male" emotions to express. Hiding underneath them could be sadness for your friend, and even a shared sense of vulnerability, but these are more “feminine” emotions, which by socialisation you are not "allowed" to express. So you convert them into "male" emotions of anger and pride.

Men may shift their feelings into another domain

Are you male, and basically an exuberant, affectionate sort? Markway claims you may not necessarily let this show in your personal relationships, but on the sports field, lookout; you’ll be hugging, high-fiving, and butt-slapping with the best of them. It's ok in that domain, she says, for men to express strong feelings of delight (over a goal made, say) and affection.

Men may somatise their feelings

Let's say now that you're female, and in an intimate partnership with a guy. You make plans to get away for a holiday, but no sooner have you checked into the five-star hotel at the fabulous beach than he gets a migraine and is out of action for that day at least. What’s going on? Markway observes that, with the structure of work, many men are able to squash down feelings, but when they are away from that structure, such as on weekends or holidays, their emotions and needs surface. Not wanting to acknowledge them, many men will convert strong emotions into physical symptoms, such as headaches or back aches. If asked about it, some men would have the conscious belief that women do want them to show their emotions, but only certain ones, and only in amounts they (the women) can handle. Men who deviate from this are, as we have noted, judged to be poorly adjusted or not "manly enough", because – at the root of it – they are bucking their whole socialisation model.

Men's emotional expression can put us all off balance

When men do get in touch with emotions, the result can catch everyone off guard, as it may seem to come "out of the blue" and be overwhelming. In fact, for any of us, when we chronically stuff down feelings, we don’t get the practice of handling strong emotion. When it does come up, then, we are ill-prepared to deal with it. Think, for example, of the person stoically putting up with an in-law criticising their partner, probably repeatedly. At some stage, there will be "the straw that breaks the camel's back" – just one criticism too many – and the person may unleash a massive emotional response, consisting in part of stored-up feeling from previous violations (adapted from Markway, 2014).

It's not that these ways of directing emotion "sideways" are bad, but if a more direct emotional expression is desired, how can we help our male clients escape from the clutches of restrictive socialisation?

Re-setting the code

It's a big job to help someone move past lifelong "training" in a given direction. In the case where the client is keen to make changes in his way of dealing with emotions (that is, his issues with emotional expression are ego-dystonic), psychodynamic therapies and the social constructionist narrative and solution-focused therapies may be hugely helpful; we briefly highlight these, while acknowledging that other therapies, such as motivational interviewing and CBT, may also have a role to play. In the case where the man is dragged into session because his partner is experiencing huge frustration but the man himself does not see that he has a problem (that is: his issues with emotional expression are ego-syntonic), we can look hopefully to emotionally focused therapy, although family therapy and other couples modes, such as imago therapy, likely have much to offer.

We put the psychodynamic therapies right up front in our discussion. Why? If, as is generally claimed, men's emotional responses are because of socialisation and/or attachment processes, then that therapy may be most efficacious which can take the client back to the root of those processes: the early childhood years when all of us – for better or worse – began to be socialised into our respective "tribes".